My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
