I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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