If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
