when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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