im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
