I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
