I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
