New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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