I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
