we have pet lesbian snakes
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
