Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
