so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
