and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
