yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
