we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
