You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
