I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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