Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
