so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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