Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
