I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
