You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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