I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
