Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
