Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
