If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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