Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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