I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
