I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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