i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
