ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Floor bacon is actually really good
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
