i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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