I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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