i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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