I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
