I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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