Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
