he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
