Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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