He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
