dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
