a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Come share oat with me in your robe
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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