I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i think im in europe. pls send help
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
