I must be too annoying 4 u.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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