went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
