Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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