Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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