im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
