Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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