So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
