Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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