You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
