i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
